Not knowing

I've decided that the hardest thing about trying to get pregnant again, for me, is uncertainty. Being pregnant (or being a responsible attempting to be mother-to-be) requires a certain amount of self-sacrifice, a certain amount of discipline, and a certain amount of being unable to plan for the future because you don't know what it might hold. Since I have a child, and would be perfectly content if I was never able to conceive again, trying to get pregnant this time is more about timing. There's a lot of internal turmoil over when the baby would be due if I were to get pregnant now...and what if I don't? What if I get pregnant next month? Do I want a child with a birthday that close to Christmas? Do I want to risk a major winter storm while in labor? And if I don't get pregnant, that's one more month of not drinking wine (which I love) and not drinking caffeine (which gets me through the day with my exhausting almost one year old). That's one more summer of not training for any races because I don't know if I'll be too pregnant, too sick, too sore, etc. to run them.

I guess I expected that the second time around would be just like the first...wam bam, thank you mam, and I'm knocked up. After a disappointing first try, which admittedly wasn't really a good try considering we were on vacation, staying in a house with 14 other people, and staying in the same room as Peyton, I am dreading next week when I find out if I get my period or not. It doesn't help that apparently it takes me a very long time after missing my period to have a positive pregnancy test, as proven last time around. Last month I was late and had convinced myself I was pregnant, so when mother nature came calling, I was devastated. This month I have the opposite feeling. I have convinced myself I'm not, which makes me angry that I can't have a glass of wine before bed and tempted to drink that cup of caffeinated coffee (which I did this morning). Although I know "every pregnancy is different" I can't help but think that because I am not having the symptoms I had first time around before confirming I was pregnant-frequent bathroom trips, tender breasts, brief waves of nausea-I'm not.

The waiting is agonizing, and I feel guilty for feeling this way. So many people try for so long to get pregnant and I got pregnant the first try. I have the most wonderful son in the world who is about to turn one. And yet, I, for the selfish reason of wanting to be done with having babies so I can regain possession of my body from pregnancy and breastfeeding, will be very upset if I get a period next week. I know it's only the second month we've tried, but that's the way I feel and this is my blog. So imaginary people in my head making me feel guilty, STOP IT!!