Mornings with Murphy

I had a Murphy's Law type of morning.  There is no other way to explain it.  Today was my first day back at work where I had to get the kids and myself ready and drop them off at the babysitter.  Last night I packed the diaper bag, got the coffee maker ready, and set my alarm for 6 am, giving me plenty of time to get myself completely ready, pump a bottle for Sierra for when she got to the babysitter, and pack my lunch and make absolutely certain I had everything, before the kids woke up.  Um, no.  The first thing that interrupted my well laid plan was that both kiddos decided that by 6:30 they were awake for the morning.  I would've loved to have left Peyton in his bed playing, but he has this amazing ability to pee in his bed through the diaper if I wait too long.  So after only getting myself dressed and pumping, I went and got him up.  He was so excited to be "going to Miss Lisa's" that he couldn't sleep and wouldn't stop bugging me about when we were leaving.  The morning went smoothly enough, even with them both up until we went to leave.  I got them both in the car and then realized I needed to go to the bathroom and really didn't want to be wearing the shirt I was wearing all day.  My goal was to leave by 7:25, by 7:39 after starting "Cars" on the car DVD player, which I'd promised Peyton the night before, we were on the road.

Now the drive to my work is approximately 45 minutes in the morning with traffic.  So off we went, heading due east into the blinding fall sun.  (For those of you who have never experienced sun glare in Denver, it's no joke, you can't see).  At some point on the journey I heard Sierra poop in the backseat.  That may be too much information, but very important in understanding my morning.  I got within 5 minutes of the babysitter's house when I suddenly realized, I packed the bottle I pumped in the morning, but no other frozen milk for Sierra.  Silently cursing myself, I started heading back towards home, texting my work I'd be in later and the babysitter that we'd be well past my estimated 8:00-8:15 arrival time.  About half way home Peyton realized we were driving back home and said "Mommy?  I thought we were going to Miss Lisa's."  Observant child.  So we finally made it all the way back home, I grabbed the milk from the freezer and went to change Sierra's diaper.  As I feared, it was a bad one.  Her clothes and the car seat were covered in poop.  I did my best to clean the car seat, since I had to put her back in it, get her out of her poopy clothes without causing too much of a mess, clean her up, and change her outfit.  By then I needed to use the restroom and decided it was a good time to refill my coffee, wishing I could spike it with something.

So already being an emotional wreck from having to leave my baby girl with a sitter (who has taken good care of Peyton for over a year, so I really shouldn't have been so worried), I finally got to Miss Lisa's house to drop them off...and I lingered.  It was so hard to say goodbye.  Peyton was off like a shot playing, paying me no mind.  Sierra was all smiles as I left.  Not sure if that's harder or to leave a crying baby.  I sat in the parking lot at work for at least five minutes trying to compose myself.  Damn Murphy had to make an already difficult day more difficult, but when all was said and done, the kiddos had a great day, I had a good day at work and enjoyed my patients, and I know that each week, from here on out, it will get easier.  I am blessed to only have to leave them two days a week and one is with their daddy, so I really can't wish for more.

Socially stunted

I am going to admit, out loud, right here and right now a fact that I try to hide...I am socially inept.  That's right, I am as socially awkward as a pimple faced, teenage boy asking the cheerleader to go to prom.  I'm painfully shy and self conscious.  Outside of my work, where I am forced to be outgoing, I have a hard time carrying on a conversation with anyone new without second guessing every sentence that comes out of my mouth.  My husband is my in, my security blanket.  He's outgoing, charming, remembers everyone's name and I find myself standing in the background.  It's so bad in fact that my husband praises me if I go on a play date with other moms and actually talk to people.  Since moving to Colorado I have made friends, but have few close friends and few friends that aren't "our" friends nearby that I would feel comfortable dishing my deepest, darkest secrets to.  I am desperate to find that here.  A woman needs her girlfriends.

So today, with my husband having to work, I went to the Mountain Midwifery annual picnic, a get together for parents and babies that were born at Mountain Midwifery.  I feel like if there is anywhere I am going to make some strong connections it is with this group of likeminded women.  Now I am a member of the Mountain Midwifery Mamas internet group.  I post in the forums, I even have been on a few play dates and to a birth circle to talk about birth stories sans child-all of which I had severe anxiety before going.  But today, today I was on my own, two kids in tow, having to socialize alone.  I thought I was ready.  I anticipated a day where I'd finally get to really meet some of these moms who I converse with on a regular basis online but have rarely met in person.  Instead I found myself mostly conversing with my children, the midwife and nurse I birthed with, a midwifery mom who lives in my neighborhood who I've been to multiple play dates with, and with and a midwifery dad who did most of the conversing.  Granted, I was alone and trying to watch my 2 year old with one eye, making sure he's not wandering off, hitting someone, crying, or otherwise getting into trouble, while trying to get my infant daughter to stay calm and sleep.  Trying to carry on a meaningful conversation with someone under these circumstances isn't easy.  Granted...but this problem runs deeper than being pulled in too many directions.

So in the interest of my child needing more social outlets and in the interest of my social life I have joined a co-op preschool that a couple of midwifery mamas have started.  It's one day a week, moms are required to stay, and it is a small group that I will see on a regular basis that maybe I can start to feel comfortable socializing and bonding with.  For anyone who's never been shy (which I think at least my oldest child has inherited my husband's outgoing personality, thank god) it's hard to understand what it's like for those of us that are.  I'm ashamed to admit it, but online social networking has helped me come out of my shell.  I lost touch with every friend I went to high school with because of my shyness.  I only kept those few people that I was closest with close.  I find myself analyzing every conversation with everyone new, did I ask enough questions, did I ask too few or too many?  Did I make the conversation all about me?  Ugh, the stress of each conversation is why I avoid them in the first place.

Now that I'm in my 30's I'm more comfortable in my skin than ever before.  I'm confident in my role as a mother.  But, will I ever be comfortable in my head?  Will I ever be comfortable with new people?  Hopefully it won't take another 3 decades to get there.

Waterton Tavern-Revisited

As some of you may recall, back in May of 2010 the Waterton Tavern opened in my community and I blogged about my disappointment in the food, atmosphere, and service.  I received some seething replies to my blog, even some personal attacks on me from people who don't even know me, and a reply from one of the owners.  At the time I promised him that we would return someday and give it another shot, but  it hadn't happened until tonight.  I hadn't been able to walk through those doors after both the disappointment of the first two experiences and the backlash on me from my opinion that I expressed on my poorly followed blog.  Well, tonight I wasn't feeling well, was very hungry and didn't feel like making the 15 mile trek to anywhere else to get dinner, so the Tavern it was.  So with husband, 2 1/2 year old and infant in tow, we finally crossed through those doors again.

Some things were obviously different upon entering.  They now have a sign by the door that states "seat yourself," so you don't stand there for ten minutes feeling like an idiot before someone tells you you can just sit down.  There's a pool table that is way too big for the space at the front of the restaurant side of the restaurant that I don't think even has enough space around the outside of it to properly play.  One of the issues when we'd been there before was the noise.  The owner had told me that were looking into solutions for the acoustics.  Well, they had a solution, and I'm not sure if it really works well or it was just not very crowded in there so the noise was less, but they cut up egg crate mattress pads and glued them ornamentally to the ceiling.  Yes, you heard me right, mattress pads.

One thing that didn't change was that it still took a very long time for our server to come to our table and bring water and drinks.  Service did improve, however, the longer we were there.  They took our check in a timely manner at the end of the meal, and the chicken wrap I ordered (yes, the same on Zack had a year ago that he graciously shared with me when my food sucked) was without cheese as I had stated.  The menu, which is just a folded piece of printed paper, was different than initially.  It had been trimmed down and was just standard tavern food, not anything attempting to be fancy.  I thought it humorous that the menu states on the front that they are the "best tavern in Roxborough" since they are the only tavern in Roxborough.  The food wasn't fast, but it wasn't slow either.  The french fries were a little on the salty side, but so much better than the previous recipe, and again, my chicken wrap (the item you really can't screw up) was good, but nothing to write home about.

So I guess my overall opinion is this: the Waterton Tavern has improved, but there wasn't anything that said "come back and eat here again" for me.  The only thing that could beacon me to it's doors again is it's proximity to home and the occasional need for a frosty beverage.

Trial Week Over-Now the real test

This time last week I was on a mission.  This was the week I was finally going to get serious about getting fit and losing my baby belly-really I'm much more concerned with losing my baby thighs than the belly.  So I blogged my intentions, logged my food on myfitnesspal.com, filled my Nalgene repeatedly throughout the day to get my goal of 3 liters of water, got a new pair of running shoes AND...ran once.  Not all was lost, however, even though it wasn't the week I had intended.  Planning out meals ahead of time makes it so much easier to avoid the "I'm tired, let's go out to eat" scenario that has ruled our lives since Sierra's birth.  I have a new plan to get back into running thanks to Runner's World magazine having a section devoted to the new mom returning to running with a strength training program and an ease back into it plan to avoid injury.  They even tell you how to correctly jog with a jog stroller!  I now know that my schedule I set up to assign different chores to different days so as to not be overwhelming worked wonderfully.  I had a great week being mommy to my two kiddos without any help.  Yes, I did have a couple of nervous breakdowns throughout the week, but those have to do with thinking about returning to work next week, nothing to do with how life is going right now.  I also learned that My Fitness Pal greatly underestimates the number of net calories I can have in a day to lose weight because, despite not burning more than 200 calories in any given workout that I got around to this week and it telling me every day that I ate too many to lose any weight, I lost another pound!  Thank god, because the first couple of days I was starving!

So it's not easy getting back to a healthy lifestyle when you've slacked off for as long as I have (I am very critical of myself because I never got back into a workout routine after Peyton was born, although breastfeeding for 1 1/2 years got me down to a lower weight than I was even before I got pregnant with him).  I am still motivated.  My goals extend beyond fitness and weight loss.  My main goal is to take time to care for myself so I can continue to care for others both at home and in my job as a physical therapist.  My goal is to tie up lose ends of projects not completed, tasks talked about but never undertaken.  I don't do well in chaos and I don't do well when I don't get enough "me" time, so this is the time to make sure that I don't fall into the same pattern of "I'm mommy and I have to be there 24/7" as I did after Peyton was born.  This time I will allow help...I will demand it.

Getting Started Ain't Easy

I want to lose weight.  I crave my 21 year old body.  I want to wear a size 2 and wear shorts that don't come to my knees and be happy with my thighs.  And yet everyday I have this desire to eat well, drink plenty of water, and exercise and by the end of the day the day has slipped away and I've stopped for fast food, I haven't gotten 5 minutes of "exercise" (although as a mom of a toddler and an infant in a 3 level house I have gotten lots of lifting and stair climbing in).  Between my normal daily activities as a mom and breastfeeding I have managed to drop 17 of the 34 pounds I gained during pregnancy.  I have a feeling the other half won't be as easy to remove.  I've got to start a routine, got to stop eating out so much, but this has to be a whole mentality change, not just the beginning of an exercise routine.  I have 2 children, one 2, one almost 3 months old.  This in and of itself makes for days that have to be flexible, not rigidly scheduled.  So what I've done it this: I have a list of things that need to be done daily, in the morning and in the evening before bed and also tasks that need to be done once a week.  I also have divided chores throughout the week so that I don't feel overwhelmed by the messes and seemingly endless piles of things to do that stack up on me.  Within those daily tasks I have incorporated a morning walk on the days I don't work (I return to work at the end of this month on Sundays and Mondays) and daily exercise of either cardio or a choice between weights and yoga.  Once a week I will plan out my meals and make them simple enough-but healthy-to be prepared in 30 minutes or less.  If I stick with this I won't just lose weight, but we'll save a ton on food not eating out and only buying groceries that are planned for a meal.

So there it is, putting it down on paper is a great way for me to see that life doesn't have to be so overwhelming and that I can get my prepregnancy body back, if not maybe my 21 year old body?  Probably not, but one can dream can't they?  I do have a goal of 115 pounds by Sierra's first birthday.   My biggest goal now is to get started and stick with it so that by the time the weather makes me have to wear jeans everyday, I can fit back in them and not have to buy a whole new winter wardrobe.  Although a new wardrobe would be fun, but only after meeting my goal.  

Come join me on my journey at http://www.myfitnesspal.com.