Socially stunted

I am going to admit, out loud, right here and right now a fact that I try to hide...I am socially inept.  That's right, I am as socially awkward as a pimple faced, teenage boy asking the cheerleader to go to prom.  I'm painfully shy and self conscious.  Outside of my work, where I am forced to be outgoing, I have a hard time carrying on a conversation with anyone new without second guessing every sentence that comes out of my mouth.  My husband is my in, my security blanket.  He's outgoing, charming, remembers everyone's name and I find myself standing in the background.  It's so bad in fact that my husband praises me if I go on a play date with other moms and actually talk to people.  Since moving to Colorado I have made friends, but have few close friends and few friends that aren't "our" friends nearby that I would feel comfortable dishing my deepest, darkest secrets to.  I am desperate to find that here.  A woman needs her girlfriends.

So today, with my husband having to work, I went to the Mountain Midwifery annual picnic, a get together for parents and babies that were born at Mountain Midwifery.  I feel like if there is anywhere I am going to make some strong connections it is with this group of likeminded women.  Now I am a member of the Mountain Midwifery Mamas internet group.  I post in the forums, I even have been on a few play dates and to a birth circle to talk about birth stories sans child-all of which I had severe anxiety before going.  But today, today I was on my own, two kids in tow, having to socialize alone.  I thought I was ready.  I anticipated a day where I'd finally get to really meet some of these moms who I converse with on a regular basis online but have rarely met in person.  Instead I found myself mostly conversing with my children, the midwife and nurse I birthed with, a midwifery mom who lives in my neighborhood who I've been to multiple play dates with, and with and a midwifery dad who did most of the conversing.  Granted, I was alone and trying to watch my 2 year old with one eye, making sure he's not wandering off, hitting someone, crying, or otherwise getting into trouble, while trying to get my infant daughter to stay calm and sleep.  Trying to carry on a meaningful conversation with someone under these circumstances isn't easy.  Granted...but this problem runs deeper than being pulled in too many directions.

So in the interest of my child needing more social outlets and in the interest of my social life I have joined a co-op preschool that a couple of midwifery mamas have started.  It's one day a week, moms are required to stay, and it is a small group that I will see on a regular basis that maybe I can start to feel comfortable socializing and bonding with.  For anyone who's never been shy (which I think at least my oldest child has inherited my husband's outgoing personality, thank god) it's hard to understand what it's like for those of us that are.  I'm ashamed to admit it, but online social networking has helped me come out of my shell.  I lost touch with every friend I went to high school with because of my shyness.  I only kept those few people that I was closest with close.  I find myself analyzing every conversation with everyone new, did I ask enough questions, did I ask too few or too many?  Did I make the conversation all about me?  Ugh, the stress of each conversation is why I avoid them in the first place.

Now that I'm in my 30's I'm more comfortable in my skin than ever before.  I'm confident in my role as a mother.  But, will I ever be comfortable in my head?  Will I ever be comfortable with new people?  Hopefully it won't take another 3 decades to get there.