Adventures in weening

When I began breastfeeding I thought I'd do it a year.  Then one year came and went and I decided instead to just decrease the frequency of the breastfeedings to only nighttime and stop pumping.  That was such an easy transition I thought Peyton would self ween in no time, and hey, I was trying to get pregnant, so if I did, I'd probably dry up anyway.  I couldn't have been more wrong.  At 20 months, here I am, still breastfeeding and now, pregnant.  Up until the last month or so, I loved breastfeeding.  I treasured our intimate time together and I reveled in being an extended breastfeeding mom.  I loved that I had this to offer when nothing else would calm him.  Then the pregnancy hormones kicked in.  They didn't dry up my milk like I hoped.  What was a blessing early on as a breastfeeding mom of a large production of milk soon became my nemesis.  My breastfeeding relationship with my son was quickly falling apart.  I've began to dread the feedings that aren't exactly painful, but irritating, and make me nauseated.  To make it worse, he has recognized my urging for him to quit and has decided to cling for dear life to this connection, making for nights that used to be 2-5 minutes of nursing go to 20-30 minutes of misery, and a mom that can't get back to sleep afterward.  In a way it makes me sad to see this end.  It means my boy is no longer a baby (she tears up as she types), but it is necessary because it is no longer a happy relationship.  I feel selfish, but I know that it's the right thing to do.  Besides, these girls need a break before the next one comes along in 7 months.

So here it is, a blow by blow of this thing they call weening...

Night one:  Got home late from the light parade so we thought this would be a good night to start because it was way past Peyton's bedtime and he should be exhausted.  I put him to bed and he immediately was on his feet, screaming.  This continued for 15-20 minutes, and finally, silence...he sleeps.  2:30 am-Oh crap, he's awake and screaming...let's see if he goes back to sleep on his own.  Much time later:  still not asleep, still screaming.  I picked him up from his crib and sat down in the glider.  He quickly realized that I wasn't going to nurse and threw one of the biggest tantrums I've ever seen.  I could barely hold onto him as he arched his back and flailed like a fish out of water.  And the screaming...  So, I didn't give in, but I went and got him some milk instead and, yes, I let him drink it and go back to bed (tooth rot here we come?)  But it is now 7:15 am and he's still asleep.  Ahh, time to leave for work and dread doing this all over again tonight.

Night two: Attempt number 2 to put Peyton to bed without nursing went...well...not well.  It started off seeming like he might have already forgotten nursing.  I rocked him a bit with a bottle of milk and he didn't pull on my shirt once.  Then, I put him in his crib.  Talk about WW3.  Screaming!  I gave in and went back in attempting to provide a more calm bedtime.  He initially was a sweet little cuddly boy, whimpering, but not wailing, but then it hit him.  "I'm supposed to be nursing in this chair!"  Then the clothing pulling started and the bargaining.  I tried my best to reason with a 20 month old, telling him he's a big boy and big boys go right to bed and don't cry, etc. etc.  I placed him back in his crib (after a good 20 minutes of this) and OH THE SCREAMING!  For 21 minutes to be exact, he cried interspersed with screaming.  Finally, sleep.
4 am:  Oh no, here we go again.  Amazingly I went in, picked him up and he saw the bottle on the nightstand and he said "milk" instead of pulling at my clothes and having a fit.  A small bottle of milk later, he slept and is still asleep and now I must wake him up to go to the babysitter.  All in all, not pleasant, but we survived again, this time with no major middle of the night tantrums.

Night three:  Did he really just go to bed without crying?  Did a little milk while laying in my lap traded off with a football to cuddle in bed (yes I said he took a football to bed) really work tonight? (Along with only taking a 10 minute nap today because he puked right after his babysitter laid him down).  It's been 10 minutes and not a peep!  Hallelujah!  Another bonus, 3 days of not nursing and I'm not engorged (although I'm still making milk).  Woohoo!  4:45 am:  Crying again (but hey, it's getting closer to morning each time).  I thought this time I'd be proactive and go get the bottle first, but we had no clean ones so I put the milk in a sports bottle that he normally likes to drink from.  Bad move.  He saw the other bottle in the room with a little milk in it that had been sitting there all night and wanted that instead.  So he screamed bloody murder again until I returned with the good milk in the bottle he wanted, but he went right back to sleep and slept in until 8:45.  I'm hoping only another couple of nights and this will be just another milestone passed.

To be continued...