"Much suffering, much unhappiness arises when you take each thought that comes into your head for the truth."
~Eckhart Tolle
When I read that quote above on the last day of 2012 I thought no one had ever so succinctly stated exactly what my entire year was about. Negative thoughts invaded my body and soul this entire year. Panic attacks were a regular occurrence. Every day I crawled out of bed with a feeling of dread of how I would feel that day. Would my heart be pounding? Would my stomach hurt? Would I feel dizzy? Would I be able to concentrate? Would I be able to control my anger? Would I cry? I felt weak and like a failure. Why had anxiety again taken over my life? Every thought was worst case scenario, from my kid's health, to my health, to why I hadn't received a text message reply from my husband, to why a stranger would look at me a certain way. My thoughts were my reality and my reality was quickly becoming unbearable.
It came to a head in November, starting when Sierra fell down the stairs and had to go to the ER with a leg injury. I was at an all time low, feeling like a failure as a parent and scared for my baby. Shortly thereafter I started having abdominal pains that weren't getting better and the anxiety attacks were getting so bad I had no appetite and at times could barely swallow food because my throat felt like it was closing up. I began to suspect that the hormones from my Mirena IUD that I'd had put in after Sierra was born as my birth control could be contributing to my negative thoughts and emotions. I started doing some research and found message board after message board of women who had symptoms spot on to mine. I immediately made an appointment with my midwife to have it removed and an appointment with my doctor to have my stomach issues looked into. I had expected things to get initially worse after it was removed after reading many womens' accounts of withdrawal symptoms, but coupled with an abnormal abdominal ultrasound and a followup CT scan to check for a possible problem with my pancreas I was a wreck. I couldn't sleep and every moment of my day and night was filled with thoughts of what could possibly be wrong with me. Everything that had had simple explanations in my mind earlier in the year, weight loss, pain, illnesses, became a huge mesh of symptoms that had to mean a dire diagnosis. A bit of relief was felt when my CT scan came back normal, but I continued to carry around negative thoughts that something was wrong.
Then I began to listen to those around me who said all my symptoms were anxiety related. Most of my mysterious symptoms could be explained by anxiety attacks. As the hormone withdrawal cleared my mind cleared a bit and I was able to start to take charge of my physical and mental health. I realized my diet had been poor and as a result my electrolytes may have been out of whack so I began taking a multivitamin, probiotics, eating better, and drinking more water and reintroducing yogurt to my diet after not eating dairy for a year and a half. Almost immediately my stomach pain decreased, the leg cramps decreased and I almost started to feel "normal" again. I'm still a little nervous that something may be wrong with my health, but it's not that all consuming force that it was for about 2 months.
2013 will be a better year. I am totally committed to it. I'm committed to taking care of me so that I can take care of others. I have felt for the last year I have been failing at every aspect of my life; wife, mother, physical therapist, homemaker, friend. I've neglected all my relationships because of feeling too overwhelmed to do anything about any of them. I've neglected myself, treating my body poorly, my mind worse and not taking the time to do the things I enjoy that make me a happy me. I've spent an entire year living in my head in a scenario of what ifs. I blogged last year that I wouldn't make any more resolutions, instead making a list of aspirations. I don't think I was able to do any of those things that I had set out to do. This year I will feed on my strengths, I will make a to do list. I've always loved lists and am a more accomplished person with them. So for 2013 I will make a large to do list and smile broadly every time I get to cross something off.
There were some amazing things that happened in 2012 that did make me smile. The biggest was watching the relationship grow between my kids. They are so amazing and I now have two little people, no babies anymore. They are my purpose and the main reason that I want to make my life better, so I'll be a better mom. We went to Louisiana for Mardi Gras and Florida in November, which were both great trips and great breaks from reality. I spent some time getting to know some great ladies better who supported me though thick and thin and gave me an outlet when I felt like I had no one else to talk to. I continue to have the best best friend on the planet and even though we are a 1000 miles apart a phone call can make me feel like she's right here with me. I have a husband who has managed to stick by me through my struggles and is hopeful that this coming year will make this past year just a distant memory and we can move forward together happier and heading towards our goals together. Happy 2013.
~Napoleon Hill
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