Adventures in weaning part deux

I just finished rereading my first weaning experience with my first born child, the child that required being nursed to sleep every night for 20 months.  What a difference mothering experience and a different personality makes.  Sierra was always an easier child.  She sleeps through the night, she goes to bed easily and immediately every night, she sucks her fingers and clings to a lovey for comfort, never using breastfeeding as a crutch.  About 1 1/2 weeks ago Sierra nursed for the last time.  This was just shy of her being 20 months old, the age her brother was when I forced him to ween.  And while weening wasn't 100% Sierra's idea, she ultimately dropped the one feeding we were doing and moved on all on her own without looking back.  Here's how it went and how I am feeling knowing I'll never nurse a baby again.

Several months ago I was struggling with nursing.  I had been feeling like I really wanted to quit and felt guilty in my thought process because it really was to get my body back and to feel like I was only taking care of me instead of me and someone else by what physically was going into my body.  It's been almost 5 years with pregnancies and nursing that I have not taken cold medication, barely taken a pill for pain and have been concerned about how every antibiotic, every food additive, every everything was affecting my child.  This was compounded by my issues with my Mirena and anxiety (see a previous blog post) and nursing was starting to make me crazy.  And yet, I couldn't let go.  I couldn't push for weening because I'd given my son 20 months and I didn't want to short change my daughter.  I had always been so proud of being an extended breastfeeder and now here I was wanting to quit for selfish reasons.  And yet, the thought of never breastfeeding again, never having that bond with a child for as long as I live, was a hard thing for me to wrap my head around.  I loved nursing both my children for the first year and then some.  I loved the touch, I loved the smiles, the giggles, the intimate time with just the two of us.  This was going to be no more.

And so I gradually cut down nursing to just before bed.  It wasn't the easy transition to once a day it had been with my son because my daughter loved to nurse.  But she did it distractedly.  She was very particular about  how she wanted to nurse and wanted it available, but had the attention span of a flea while actually in the act.  Finally we got down to just night time and I could come home from work without her immediately trying to rip my shirt off.  Then we started nursing in the living room about 20 minutes before bedtime and sometimes I'd take her to bed, sometimes Zack would take her to bed.  Then we started hanging out with our neighbors most Friday nights.  Sierra would go to bed at their houses in the pack and play and I wouldn't nurse before bed there, just lay her down, and she was content.  By the next night she would be desperate, tearing at my top by 6 pm.  Then, one weekend she didn't want to nurse the next night.  I was tempted to offer, but made the decision that I'd let this be it.  We'd go several days and see if she initiated nursing.  She didn't.  A week passed, nothing.  I began by mourning the loss, but now, 1 1/2 weeks out, I am beginning to feel a sense of relief.

I gave my children each 20 months of nursing, that's nothing to be ashamed of.  I swore I'd do two years so I feel I've failed myself, but when I think about it, this is the best thing for me as a mom because I am not resentful.  I feel like I'm getting my body back and a sense of control over myself alone that I've needed.  It's hard to be a mom, being pulled in every direction, judged by everyone and always questioning the choices you make.  I'm starting to finally feel like life may start to become easier again now that I have a toddler and an almost 4 year old and I think this is a great time to try and spend more time taking care of me instead of everyone else.  I'll be a better mom for it in the long run and that's more important, I think, than nursing once a day for the next 4 months just to hit that magical 2 year mark I was shooting for.  The freedom alone of knowing I don't have to be home to nurse (even if I don't have anywhere to go) is a huge weight off my shoulders.

So here's to a bond that I'll never regret and will never forget.  Here's to giving my children the best start I could.  And here's to celebrating one of the many last times I will have with my children as they grow.  We often celebrate the firsts and forget about the lasts.  The are just as important and often much more poignant.